I don't really make new year's resolutions just because I don't think I'll be following it anyway, but this year, I find a need to make one. And I plan on sticking to it.

1. Let him go.

All due to that self-help book, I've realized that it's time to not get caught up in something I want to happen but isn't likely to happen anyway.

2. Lose weight.

I am on the right track, what with my sudden obsession with exercise. But I am losing focus lately plus I'm still binging on those sweets and carbs, I'm not getting anywhere. So this time, I won't loose focus. It's time to get what I want and start persevering for it.

3. Make it to the Dean's List.

I say this every new sem and still, I haven't even come close. Determination, however, is in the details. No more standing around and letting the things I want pass me by just because I'm too lazy to do them.

4. Make new friends.

I need to stop being so close minded and depending on who I already have. Sure, it may be awkward and I may feel out of place at first, but I'm sure I'll find a few gems in the process.

5. Improve myself.

Be less talkative, loud, boastful and bossy. Be less insecure.

There, pretty short but all gigantic tasks. And if I ever forget, push me and remind me that this is all for the best.

Some fairy tale themed icons inspired by brushes from amethystia. I tried not do the pictures she did. Some photos taken from the deviant art site of lillyxandra. I'm half and half on this batch though. Once again, comments are loved. :)

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and they lived happily ever after

I love this movie. I just had to make icons. Comments are love! :)

9 A Walk to Remember/
3 Shane West

Samples:
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Will you do something for me?

Hope you like 'em. Comments are appreciated. :)

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The rest is in my icon journal

Comments are highly encouraged/ appreciated. :)

Guys, friend my icon journal. Hihi, ang tagal ko nang hindi naguupdate dito tapos ito pa sasabihin ko. I'm just posting my icons, so check back in a while to see them all. Thanks. Any requests, post there! :)

The journal is iconisize_me.

I've been feeling really really down lately. Of course, I'm attributing it to my monthly period but, I don't think it's just that anymore. This has been accumulating ever since I found out I was stuck in Legal Management. Ever since I walked into that first class alone and walked away from every class alone. I was trying to push the feeling away, though. Telling myself I knew some people there and that i'm getting to meet new people and starting to become independent. And for a while, it worked. I was okay with walking alone from class to class. I was okay with spending most of my break times in the library. I was okay with stopping occassionally to chat with people I knew and yet, not having company of my own. The only glimmer of companionship I had was when my former blockmates were with me.

And, with all the free time, as I'm not hanging out with my friends as long as I did in first year, I started embarking on new things. I now have five orgs. One that requires me to practice m-w-th-f-s for 2 hours everyday, and another that I'm active in. The three others, I''m new at, but I plan to be active in them as well. Except, perhaps, comelec. Hihi. This sudden thirst to keep myself busy stemmed from the orsem. During the orsem, I hardly slept and was so busy, but I felt fulfilled. Even if I was tired, I was did something useful. And I felt happy.

Now, thinking about it, it also comes from the thirst to prove myself. That I can be a better person and that I can achieve. To gain that quiet pride my parents used to have in me, before I failed in ME of course. And because of all the new things in my life, I started to meat loads of new people which made me happy. New faces to connect to new names and I surprise myself by remembering most of them. There are a lot.

But during the times I walk down the stairs from the class and watch the countless people walking by. Some are chatting with friends. Some are holding the hand of a loved one. A lot are crowded in a group, happily talking and feeling like they belong. Seeing them makes me realize that I don't belong. Seeing them makes me feel that empty space inside me that longs for companionship.

This leads me to a path of love. I know, mushy stuff, but I can't help it. I've always wanted to love someone and, for once, be loved in return. I've always wanted to know what it feels like to see a boy and actually manage to say you're in love with him without the fear of him being disgusted with you. I want to be able to say that to someone and have them smile as if it's a gift and, perhaps, say it back. I want someone to look at me as if I''m the most beautiful woman in the world even when I'm all sweaty and my face all oily. And when I look at those couples in the walk ways holding hands, makes me hold my own.

But, I've stopped believing that the man for me exists. Two out of three women never marry. I'm one of the two. Perhaps having no relationship at all. My Dad analyzed my personality once and he says that boys tend to be afraid of me because I have a personality that's too strong. Even my Dad thinks I'll grow to be an old maid. So yeah.

Next is the fact that in blocks, I''m in between. Let's face it, no matter how much T1 continues to include me and talk to me and treat me as if I'm still part of them, the fact of the matter is, I'm not. We don't have the same break times anymore and the same schedules and I feel such an outsider when they talk about some things, which can't be helped and that I don't blame them for. Becuase that's what I am now, an outsider wanting to be in. And as for my new block, o1, they have such a bond that developed during the first year that I don't know where I fit in. It doesn't help that I'm not with them in a lot of their classes and got separated from the block. Hence, we don't really get to bond. And this time, I'm an insider looking out. Because I don't belong with them either.

All these thoughts and feelings have been pilling up inside of me in a while and even as I type them down, I don't feel any better.

Kahapon, habang tumitingin ng lotion sa SM fairview, may sales lady na tumapik sakin. Ang sabi niya, "Ms. style ba yang damit mo?" Aba, akala ko may nakapansin na ang ayos ko manamit kahit mukhang nakapambahay ako. Ang sabi ko naman, "Oo style yan." Sabay sabi ng sales lady, "Ah, akala ko kasi baliktad eh." Pagtingin ko sa suot ko, sus, baliktad nga. Sa kakasukat ng damit, baliktad na noong nasuot ko ulit ang pantaas ko. Buti nalang plain yung kulay, mukha ngang style perho halata paring baliktad. Lumaki ang ngiti ko, sabay sabi sa sales lady, "Oo Miss, style yan." Kinuha ko ang sunscreen at umalis.

Pagpunta ko sa nanay ko, sabi ko, "Ma, tingnan mo, baliktad yung suot ko." Aba, pinagtawanan ako ng nanay ko. Di ko alam kung bakit 30 minuto kaming magkasama bago napansin nung sales lady yung damit ko, pero di niya napansin. "Dali, kunwari magsusukat ka ng damit, ayusin mo yan." Ngumiti lang ako. "Ayoko nga." Aba, napagalitan ako ng aking nanay. At dun ko naisip na itanong...

"Bakit kailangan parating tama ang suot natin?"

Aba lalo akong napagalitan! "Para maayos ang itsura mo. Pag baliktad ang suot mo, hindi maayos." Aba, ang lakas ng loob ko, sumagot ako. Paano, ako kasi nagbabayad sa mga damit na pinamili ko kaya di ko na kailangan manipsip.

"Eh kung sinabi ko ba naman na style yan, makakaangal ba sila? Pipilitin ba nila akong ibaliktad yung damit ko?"

Aba, nanahimik ng sandali si Ina, "Ah basta, kailangan tama parati yung suot mo."

Siguro naglalakad ako sa sm ng mga isang oras. Maraming tao, Linggo kasi. Sa katunayan, doon na kami sa dulo ng parking lot nakaparada. Bukod sa sales lady na nagsabi sa akin ng itsura ng damit ko, wala nang ibang nagtangkang magsabi.

Sometimes my friends amaze me. Often times I wonder how I got so lucky.

Salamat sa mga bumati sakin. Nakakatuwa, simula apat na oras bago birthday ko, hanggang 6 ng hapon kinabukasan, may mga bumati sakin. Salamat at inyong naalala. Salamat sa mga tumawag, natouch ako sa madaling araw na tawag nila Carlos. Oi, inaapi niyo daw si Paolo Macabuag! Hahaha, iniwan niyo. :) Salamat sa mga nagbigay ng regalo. Natouch ako kay Sigrid. Scrap book! Hahaha. At Camie, ang bango nung lotion! Thanks thanks. Salamat sa mga nagtext, natouch ako. May mga tao pang nakaalala na di ko ineexpect na makaalala/makaalam. Dapor and Robin, salamat, nagulat ako. Hahaha. Salamat sa mga nagpost sa lj nila. Salamat kay Honey Pie na nagpakita saken at nagpaliwanag sa araw ko kahit na napakahirap ng long test. Salamat sa pamilya ko, na nagbigay ng pera. Yay. XD Hahaha, at Dad, okay lang yun, naiintindihan ko na di natin kaya as of the moment. Makakapaghintay naman ako. :) At, higit sa lahat, salamat sa Diyos sapagkat 18 taon na, buhay parin ako.

Minsan naaaliw ako ng mga kaibigan ko. Madalas iniisip ko kung paano ako naging ganito kaswerte.

My 2nd attempt at icons. I've improved quite a bit from the last batch, I would say. Comment and credit please. Thanks. :) All credits at my credit page here.



( Some Orli goodness )

It's obvious that I'm having a boring summer.

Guys, sa sobrang pagkabore ko, I'm taking requests to fix lj layouts and stuff. Hahaha...may promise ako kay Chopsy, Taj at Sig. Alma, may promise din ako sayo kaso maayos naman lj mo, di ko na alam gagawin ko. Basta kung sino mang may ipapagawa, sabihin niyo saken yung gusto niyong 'theme' or itsura...hahaha...kung may pic kayong maproprovide eh di mas ok. Hahaha...with matching user icon pa kung gusto niyo. Message niyo nalang ako sa ym, memoria_astralis ang id ko. Hahaha...sobrang bored na ko...

Does she ever get a boy?

All she wants is a boy who'll love her for who she is. For all the flaws and all the fat and all the ugly things. Someone who'll see past them to find a lovable person.

And she thinks its not fair because in the movies, the boy pines after the girl and after a lot of conflict, they end up together. Or a girl pines after a boy and then either ends up with him or ends up with some other guy who's much more worthy of her love. And she thinks its not fair, because in the movies it seems so easy. In real life, she's seen it happen countless of times to make her believe in the movies. She's seen her friends go from boy to boy and she was having no one.

And the girls in the movies were always really pretty. They were sexy and doe eyed and attractive that one can't help but love them. But in real life, each girl wants someone that would love them despite their outer shell. However, love blossoms from attraction as well. And she vaguely wonders if she isn't attractive at all. If there's something wrong with her and that she's so horrible ugly and mean that they don't want to waste their time. It doesn't help that she's loud, plain and not so intelligent.

And she knows she's being bitter. She knows that someone will come in time, if ever they come at all.

All she wants is a boy who'll love her, but does she ever get a boy?

When the first day of Febuary rolls along, I'm usually like a bitter old spinster. I have these really weird want to have someone special only because of the season, which is totally wrong. I think it's the hopeless romantic sorta anxious part of me that I sincerely want to ignore for the rest of my life. So, when the day of hearts came along, I was not in a pleasant mood. My self-esteem was so low that dwarfs could have walked over it and had room to spare. (haha, weird line, but I can't help it. ü)I was feeling sad and lonely and, well frankly, unloved. Though, by any means, I knew I wasn't unloved. But I wasn't loved in *that* way which made me really really sad. I think you get the point.

So, at the beginning of the day, I prepped myself up for the lack of roses, chocolates and candies shaped in hearts, love notes and little suprises that most of the girls would be receiving. I was in bitter old spinster mode. But then, at the end of the day, the most pleasant thing happened, our block boys gave us a cookie heart on a stick and a card with their messages written on it. It was a small gesture, but a really really sweet one that made the spinster disappeare and the 18 year old return. And I lurved them for it.

There was a solitary tree that stood in the corner. Still as regal and as magestic as the image in my memory. The Christmas balls still twinkling in that magical way and the christmas lights still as mesmarizing. I spent the christmases of my childhood with this regal tree. Unwrapping countless gifts which were placed under it and thousands of joyful memories.

Nothing's the same anymore.

The tree was still there, and the fond memories illuminated it more than the dim Christmas lights. What comes with it, is the longing. Longing for a christmas in my childhood. Where wrapped parcels were more than just another thing to store and where P100 dolls were still joys. Where christmas carols were still merry and the wait seem so short. Where your parents and your other relatives still took the time to buy you presents instead of simply giving you the money.

The christmas of my childhood where chirstmas was not just another chore. The Christmas that felt special, happy and celebrated.

There was a solitary tree that stood in the corner. Still as regal and as magestic as the image in my memory. But without the colorful presents and joyful, out of tune, melodies, it was just another tree. Just like Christmas was just another night.

College has made me grow up. Not in the sense that I have grown mature but in the sense that I have lost the most important things we learn when we are children. The basest thing of which is that I've stopped believing in myself and in my dreams. Instead, I immerse myself in my shortcomings, in my sadness. That, for me, is the most selfish thing. I have been focuisng on my failure, which is, in itself, a failure. For believing that I do not have the power to succeed, I, in fact, don't.

All this I must simply take as a humbling experience. An experience that is teaching and will continue to teach me that I am not on top of the world. That I am not a goddess, but simply human. That God can take away what he as given me despite all odds and sacrifices just as easliy as he could give them.

The real and most important lesson, however, is not to give up. I have decided to give up on ME a long time ago, seeing that my future with it is simply one big question mark. I'll ignore the fact that I've wanted to be in ME for so long. That I can see myself in no other course but ME. That it feels so wrong to leave and so right to risk everything just so I could stay.

The child in me wants to fight for what she wants. She wants to take the risk despite what other people say, what her parents would say and despite the greater possibility of failure rather than success.

If I, once again, change my mind, if I once again post an entry that I want to give up, please remind me to listen to the child in me.

She is far more wiser.

"Thy will be done."

She was lonely. And its surprising because she was hardly alone. Yet, she felt lonely and she couldn't explain it.

She felt empty. She felt as if she's just a shell of who she used to be. The smoke after a series of bright fire works that would soon disappear into oblivion.

She felt sad, despite the fact that she always looked happy. But she wasn't fooling anyone with false cheerfulness. She wasn't trying to push the emptiness inside. It just happens. She was incapable of showing she was sad, incapable of not showing compassion, incapable of not being cheerful when she has the energy to do so. And the instances when other people see the sad, angry side of her, she feels as if this was the act. That she was meant to be the smiling girl for all time. But in life, one cannot smile for eternity. And she knows that. And she wonders why her frowns only come behind closed doors. Why feeling bad doesn't seem right when other people are around her. When she can easliy voice out various crushes without the fear of said crushes knowing. When she can talk endlessly about her life, about every mundane thing about her. And yet, when it comes to what she truly wants, she loses her voice.

And she always thought she lived to be in front of an audience, but the audience will never know the character beyond the stage.

I'm not brave enough to tell.

Someone once told her she wasn't beautiful, and she believed them. Because no one told her otherwise. Someone once told her she wasn't talented, and she believed them. Because no one told her otherwise. Someone once told her she couldn't dance, and she believed them. Because no one told her otherwise. Someone told her she couldn't draw, and she believed them. Because no one told her otherwise.

Once they told her that she was smart, and she believed them. Because no one told her otherwise. And she lived for that, because it was all that she had left. It was the only thing she could be proud of. But then it came to the point that she wasn't so smart anymore. Where her brain failed her. And she faced the fact that she lived in a lie, an illusion that she wasn't as intelligent as they made her to be. And she strived to tell herself otherwise. She sacrificed so much, she tried and tried. She ignored every wanton desire. She ignored her own craving for the fun things in life. Because her brain was all she had left. And yet, her efforts weren't enough.

And she broke down. She had nothing left. And she felt empty, confused and pained.

But this girl only wanted support. She wanted to be told she was more than the failure she thought she was. Because she had nothing left.

She once felt that she wasn't loved, and she believed herself. Because no one told her otherwise.

I am selfish. Up to this I admit. But what is the meaning of being selfish?

Is it wanting the best for yourself? If so, than isn't good to want the best for yourself because if a person wants the best, then he/ she in turn strives for it. Then isn't selfishness a good thing because it helps to become more productive. If the people around you want the best for you, then aren't they becoming selfish as well? They push you to want the best for yourself as well. They mold you into the person they want you to be. They impose on you unreasonable rules because they want you to be something else. So then, are these people being selfish because they force you to become what they want you to be, they don't let you grow on your own.

Is being selfish thinking about your needs? And, in turn, if we want to be selfless, should we ignore our feelings? Our own wanton desires? Our own protests and gut feelings of what is the best for ourselves? Is it right that to become selfless, we should abandon thoughts about 'I' and 'me'? If we do, then what will we do with our lives?

So, if God created men for his pleasure, is he selfish as well? And since we are created in God's image and likeness, then by nature, we are selfish. But the thing is, God gave so much in return. The problem with us humans is that we cannot define the border between selfishness and selflessness.

So I am selfish. Up to this I admit. And so is everybody else.

There is no greater pain than that of disappointing people. People you love and care for. People who you want to give your best to. Despite the fact that you tried real hard. That you shed sweat and tears and blood to achieve. That you sacrificed your sleeping time and your fun time just so you could succeed and still end up short.

There's nothing more painful than handing over that sheet of paper and looking at your father's forlorn face. The one who had such high hopes and dreams for you. He knows that you did your best, so he doesn't scold you par usual. The scolding that you've grown to hate as you grew up. The scolding that inevitably comes every time you receive your grades. The scolding that makes you cry each time. The one that makes you feel so inadequate.

And yet, in your mind, you start scolding yourself. You start sporadically crying, thinking about how you failed them. How you tried and did your best and failed, how you've never failed in your life before.

And you remember the saying that if you set your mind on something, you can get it. And you start to wonder, how come you set your mind into succeeding, you sacrificed and did all that you could and still coming up empty.

And you start feeling lost and confused. Feeling pained and forlorn and sad. Sad for not meeting their expectations. Sad for not meeting the expectations you have for yourself.

And for once in your life you couldn't find the silver lining to that grey cloud. You couldn't smile through the pain. And you realize that you're not as brave as you make out to be. That deep inside you're not that optimistic person who laughs at her own shortcomings. Who uses her own failures to make others happy. That even laughter wouldn't cure the pain.

And then you think about all the faces that you let down, all the eyes that look at you with disappointment. And when you face the mirror, you see your own disappointment. Reflected, revealed and you couldn't escape your own guilt, your own grief. You can't hide from those eyes, you can't escape yourself.

And then you wonder, will things be all right again?

Chatting with Aisa on YM last night made me realize some things. Things that are best shared with the people we most trust.

Love is never easy and no, I did not learn that from personal experience. Watching and hearing people fall in love and helping them with their problems, perhaps, made me grow faster than I should. Made me learn and know things I should only be learning and trying to grasp about now.

Finding the perfect person that will compliment you is next to impossible. But people do, they find the one they'll spend the rest of their life with. Its hardly as easy and romantic as those in fairy tales. We have a very high price to pay of course. Time, after all, is gold. Not to mention tears and lost dreams. Priceless things and yet we still do give them up for love. But the highest price to pay is our hearts. Constantly stabbed and hurt, but it is most recillient. Though not immune to pain. And still we take the risk.

And a person who has never loved someone in that special way, someone like me, makes me wonder. WHY? If its so difficult and painful and downright dangerous, how and why do we go through with it?

But then I have the answer to that as well. Its because its well worth it.

So for those who are heartbroken right now. Those who are waiting and wanting to love and be loved, those who aren't in love. I wish you all the best of luck and utmost happiness.

For the greatest gift love could bring is just making you feel happy.

They say that high school is the best years of your life. Of course, there are a few exemptions, one is me.

I came to Ateneo with a high school diploma from a well enough school and as one of the best mathematicians Holy Spirit has to offer.

Then I went to Management Engineering in the Ateneo.

Suddenly I was the stupidest person in class. I sucked the most at math and for the first time in my life, I opened a math book, answered the exercises and took down notes. For the first time in my life I studdied math..and not just study...3-5 hours every weekday and at least 8 hours for the two weekends. All in vain of course. I still went floating.

After that came the math 18a...the not so regular track for ME students. It was not as easy as I expected. It was more difficult if anything. I did try my best though. I studied to no end and still didn't meet the B grade requirement. Our class standing was listed the friday before exam week. I couldn't meet the B grade requirement. The good thing is there was no way that I could fail either.

Finals came...it seems as if I didn't have a care in the world. Plus I didn't study as much as I used to. Suprisingly, the finals was easy. (At least easier than the long tests). For the first time in college, I was sure of an A, including the possibility of a perfect score. (which would be good for a grade appeal).

All of you who reads my entries or who I talk to know this story. What only some of you know is that ME was my dream since I was second year. Passing the course was sheer heaven. Being in the course was purely hell, but I was happy. The people are the best you could ever ask for. The girls talkative, sensitive, fun and open-minded people. The boys holding doors for you, waiting for your parents to pick you up even if its late and not making you feel out of place. The campus, even better than I imagined and the people not as high class ang snobbish as one might think.

I knew the consequences before I went into ME. I knew of the late nights and early mornings. The hardest math and the most difficult teachers. And I pushed head on. And then I failed.

And if time would rewind itself, if I was in that fourth year day where I looked at that application, I would still check the mark beside Management Engineering (honors). I would go to that orientation, have a hard time with my subjects and fail all over again. Only because I had the best time in my life. I met a group of wonderful people and grew more as a person. I learned to be more humble. I learned to trust God more and to enjoy other people's company. I learned that I couldn't always expect people to like me. I learned to be more cheerful. I learned that my life won't be decided by the grades you get or the course you're taking but the lessons you learn taking it.

As I'm typing this, it's only the second time since college that I cried. The first was when I was certain that I was out of the course. Now, I'm not crying because I failed. I'm not crying because the dream of ME vanished into thin air. I'm not crying because I did my best and fell short. I'm crying because I'm leaving the best block there is. I'm crying because in 5 months, I've learned things some people take a lifetime to learn. I'm crying because I may have had a hard time but I was happy, and still am happy.

This is not the end. It is simply my beginning.